Ceska Hleda Superstar 2005: Finals

The Czechs have a new superstar and that superstar’s name is Vlasta Horvath, who took the title with a whopping 73% of the vote to beat runner-up Petr Bende.

So what? Sure he can sing, and yeah it’s great that a Roma won this year, but who cares ??? rather, who’s going to care? Last year’s Superstar champ Aneta Langerova is still riding high on her success, having just released her second single (I saw a bit of the clip for said single last night ??? the powers-that-be at TV Nova have decided to Bjork-ify her on the cheap). I’m not sure if I want to hear him on heavy rotation right now, especially if he’s forced to sing crap like the original material that he and Petr Bende had to sing during the finals.

I guess the bright side is that we won’t be subjected to excesses of Petr Bende’s annoying three-finger salute (on par with Petr ?Bon Jovi? Polacek’s melodramatic arm-thrust and finger-point whenever he howls a ‘Yaaaeeeeeewwwww’ ??? rockgod speak for ‘you’).

In spite of all my efforts to avoid Superstar this year (this in spite of my initial enthusiasm and intention to follow it closely), Jitka, the tabloid headlines, and having to go through the living room to get to the balcony to smoke kept me up to speed. I heard and saw enough to say that Superstar 2005 sucked.

First of all, the top ten had none of the charm that last year’s top ten had. No dark horses, no favourites, no surprises, just a pack of future TV Nova whores spewing boooooring renditions of top-40 pap.

Then there were the hosts. As thrilling as stale white bread dipped in low-fat milk. The same stupid questions come decision time ??? ?Who do you think should stay/go??, ?Who did you like?? ?What did you think of your effort??, etc. ??? to which the top ten pretty much answered in the same safe, neutral, and embarrassed fashion. While Petr Holik was somewhat less irritating than last year’s male host Ondrej Brzobohaty (who has gone on to become an irritating B-list pop star), Ladka Nergesova grated the nerves not so much because of her hosting skills, but her appearance, especially over the last five or so episodes. I suppose the money must have been pretty good for her to allow her hairdresser to get away with styles that often prompted Jitka to say, ?My god, it looks like a giant dog took a giant dump on her head!?.

And then there were the outfits. Ok, her designers deserve props for the way many of Nergesova’s dresses and blouses drew attention to her ample bosom, a bosom worthy of its own rap song. However, the kudos stop at the cleavage. The designers responsible for putting Ladka’s wardrobe together were either mentally and/or physically handicapped, in possession of a warped sense of humour, or seriously fucked up on vast quantities of drink and drugs ??? perhaps even a combination of the three. A pity because she is a rather attractive woman.

Last, but far from least, were the judges. Michal Horacek in particular. His arrogance and love of his own voice may make him a great businessman, but they only made Jitka and I (and surely many a viewer) yell ?Shut the fuck up, asswipe!? at the TV. The other three judges were so damn bland that I can’t be bothered to elaborate on them. The problem with the panel as a whole was that they were all far too nice, even when they were being critical. Whenever they tried to be harsh, their insults were either petty or rude in a way that it seemed they were being mean just for the sake of being mean.

If Nova wants to do it right next year, they’ll get hosts with personality, professional hairdressers and costume designers, and a panel of judges that has a minimum of one heartless badass (perhaps Daniel Landa) and one source of comic relief (Dan Nekonecny comes immediately to mind, though Jim Cert would be a way cooler, and more credible, option).

Then again, with a Czech version of (groan) Big Brother (Velky Bratr) on its way, perhaps Nova can afford to give Superstar a year off while training its new whores how to lip-synch (having said that, here’s hoping that Vlasta’s got as much integrity as Aneta has).

Jun 15, 06:03 (Filed under: Culture )

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  1. Dude, that was so funny, it was the first english review of Česko SuperStar ive read & it means a lot! :P

    I download the episodes & watch them on my PC (as I live in Australia) I agree with the Top 10 being more serious last year, this year was a joke & a half! Filip Jankovic? Patrick Jurdic @ SuperFinale? What next? A duet of Vlasta & Michal Horacek?

    I also agree about the hair stylist, Aneta’s hair looked absolutely awful at the finale, it was crushing! I look forward to more of your comments! _

    Michael Kawenga    Jun 18, 12:13    #
  2. Hi Michael,

    Thanks for the kudos – having been to the Idol Nation Forums I can tell that’s quite a compliment :-)

    I almost forgot about Aneta’s do – it looked like mine after I was about halfway through breaking in my electric hair clipper…

    I should have mentioned the Slovak Superstar, Katarina Koscova – she was wonderful. Fantastic voice and charming personality, she looks like a lot of fun to hang out with. Supposedly our Slovak neighbours had much better hosts and a superior Top 10 this year.

    Btw, I checked out the board’s thread on Martina Balogova. While she may have had the best voice, Aneta was definitely a better choice as a winner in terms of image and integrity. I’ve seen Martina’s new videoclip a few times and it makes me feel embarassed for her – the lyrics are tripe, and all the other girls in the clip are hotter than Martina, who seems to be making a forced, and half-assed, attempt at vamping it up. It’s a rather pathetic and sad waste of her incredible talent.
    Patrick    Jun 18, 12:52    #
  3. I very much agree, Martina was my favourite at the beginning, but she got so bad at the end, her voice seemed not all that brilliant.

    Her music video isn’t good either, it’s slutty & she doesn’t leave much to the imagination dancing in a sleaze bar.

    I hope Vlasta does well, but this season he has not shown a genre to commit to & it will be hard to beat Spousta And?lů on the chart (40 weeks in Top 5!) I was hoping Aneta would sing her great song H?íšná T?la, K?ídla Motýlí, it sounds so beautiful & soulful!
    Michael Kawenga    Jun 18, 13:29    #
  4. Have you seen Samer’s new clip? As awful as the first. It only gets points for a brief (20-30 second) burst of top-shelf rapping. I doubt it’s Samer rapping, but if it is I’ve got to give him props for it.

    Czech radio played Hrisna Tela (a fine song in its own right) to death. Personally, I prefer Aneta’s latest single, Voda Ziva. IMO it’s the best song on the album.
    Patrick    Jun 19, 10:58    #
  5. If you have the translations of Aneta Langerova lyrics, you could send me them, that´s it´s important to me, cause I´m too far from CZ, I´m from Mexico, so, if you could to that I really aprecciate that. Thank you. Kisses and greetings from Mexico to you.
    Mirna    Nov 24, 18:06    #