PSSSS 2: The Arcata Eye Police Log

Better than COPS, funnier than almost every cop comedy you’ve ever seen, The Arcata Eye Police Log offers a poetic and hilarious look at the softer parts of the city’s underbelly.

I first came across Eye, which touts itself as the “mildly-objectionable weekly newspaper for Arcata, California,” last year. I was stunned and highly amused by what I found in its reports from the city’s cop shops. Here are a few samples:

Friday, August 20 9:35 a.m. First Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” and now canny thieves have masterminded another perfect crime – the theft of a diaper bag and shoes from an unlocked car on L Street. Somewhere, the silent screamer’s mute horror is repurposed and contemporized as she stares down from her bridge at dastardly diaper-nabbers savoring the fragrant fruits of their treachery. That is, if it’s the same guys.

Thursday, August 26 9:35 a.m. Police couldn’t find the genius convention the CHP had reported sitting beside the freeway with their legs out in traffic.

Sunday, August 29 2:34 p.m. Two travelers reported having marital relations of the horizontal variety in bushes in the 1100 block of F Street were contacted and advised.

Tuesday, August 31 7:29 p.m. An I Street resident went out his front door to the side of his house to clean up the day’s accumulation of litter and dogshit. He returned scant moments later to find a red-haired, baggy-panted beardo walking out his open front door with a handful of cash from his desk. “I thought this was a store!” the man claimed, attempting to legitimize the theft, as though there’s some kind of store where one may scoop up piles of money and walk off with it. “Get the fuck out of here!” exclaimed the near-victim, and after throwing the money back, the thief took the advice and scampered away southbound.

Sunday, November 7 2:02 a.m. A mighty SUV was immobilized in the 800 block of Eighth Street by someone who let the air out of the tires.

Ok, I better stop. I could spend a day compiling a list, which the good folks at the Arcata Eye have already done – they have published not one, but two Police Log Books, which I will definitely invest in once I get a credit card….

Dec 19, 06:00 (Filed under: Sunday Surfing Series )

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  1. i used to live in arcata. strange town. what you’re reading barely scratches the surface.
    brian    Dec 19, 06:28    #